


Deep Breaths

by arixng



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 18:58:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11995971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arixng/pseuds/arixng
Summary: Lavi wishes for nothing else but to drown in liquor and disappear into smoke.





	Deep Breaths

Cigarette butts lay scattered on the coffee table and on the floor. A tray that used to be jade green is now a shade of grey and overflowing with ash. Empty bottles join the mess in the little apartment that is meant for a single occupant who sits on the worn-out couch in the middle of the room. Thick clouds of smoke fog the room shrouded in darkness, a weak barrier from the hands of eternal anguish that’s a thread’s width away from latching onto his heart. When the cigarette between his fingers reaches its end, he flings it wherever he cannot see and reaches for the pack. Nothing comes out, and he realizes its empty. Just like him.

He flings the empty pack on the wall with the strength of all his pent-up frustration and anger, crumbling and collapsing into the couch as he wraps his arms around himself and clutches his aching chest. The tears don’t stop pouring from his tired eye, painting over old and dried tear tracks. He doesn’t bother to muffle the sounds of his grief and heartache. He cries, and cries, and cries. He cries because he has turned into a hopeless mess who’s gotten used to being alone. He cries because he has succumbed to poison and vices to narcotize his pain and depression. He cries because his heart has been stolen and crushed. He cries because he can no longer be loved and love again.

He loathes himself because he cannot loathe Kanda. But the unreasonable part inside him hates Kanda because he cannot put the blame on him. He laughs sardonically because of how pathetic he is for languishing over their failed relationship when it was all his fault. If only he had realized how attached he had become sooner, if only he hadn’t been a stupid idiot who falls for every opportunity for money, if only he had refused the head’s offer, then maybe Kanda wouldn’t have caught him at his lowest and walked away.

His head hurts, but not as bad as the pain of his throbbing chest. A month has passed since Kanda cut his heart in two with sharp silence that meant more than words.

If only he had listened to his heart, then maybe he wouldn’t have Kanda’s hurt expression embedded in his memory.

The days pass by and leaves Lavi behind. He doesn’t leave his apartment except for the necessities for survival. He quit his job because he couldn’t stand the thought of staying and being constantly reminded of what fucked him and Kanda over. He’s shut himself in. The only people who tries contacting him are Allen and Lenalee but the former has stopped after a while of having his calls ignored. Bookman has only called once. Kanda never called.

Lavi wishes for nothing else but to drown in liquor and disappear into smoke.

.

.

.

.

.

7:00pm

The sky is a dimming cold blue with little hints of the warmth of orange that leave shadows big enough to drown Lavi into the darkness. The cold of November has him wrapped up in a thick maroon blanket that smells too much of nicotine. His solitary eye is staring at his ceiling, watching the shifting lights and shadows coming from his window. Unconsciously, his pale arm raises in front of him, reaching out to the lights and trying to grasp onto the grey smoke that drift above him. He watches the ghostly grey strands of silk slip out of fingers that have become thin and frail.

The ticking of the clock is too loud and the rhythmic pattern sends his mind into a trance state. Small drops of rain hit his window, but he doesn’t hear the sky mourning outside.

_Tick_

_Tick_

_Tick_

 

_Tic-_

 

He jolts from his couch at the sound of a knock on his door. He hasn’t had anyone come over after he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to see anyone. He assumes its Lenalee who’s very persistent on knowing about what state he’s in and if he hasn’t killed himself yet, or it could be a lost neighbor or a drunkard. He wishes it could be any of those because he isn’t prepared to stand face-to-face with the person outside his door.

His chest tightens at the sight of very familiar blue eyes. Immediately, his trembling hands slam the door shut and struggle to turn the locks. Breathing becomes a difficult thing to do; his eye becomes hazy and his stomach churns. He hears a voice coming from outside, calling his name and pleading him to let him in, and he cannot take it. Lavi turns his back against the door, hands coming up to cover his ears, and he slumps down on the floor. Cigarette butts and empty bottles lay scattered on the floor beside him, and he shuts his eye tightly from the miserable reminder of what he has subjected himself to. “Lavi-please open the door!” He gasps when the door rattles from another knock from the outside. He stays in his position, unable to move from the shock of the situation, and he stares into the darkness with Kanda’s voice in the background.

Kanda.

Beautiful Kanda.

Oh, Kanda who deserves so much better.

Lavi wants to scream.

The room is completely devoid of any light, the sky outside now the pitch darkness of night. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s on the floor. The ache in his chest has slightly subsided and his eye feels dry from days of crying. He hears nothing but the sound of the pouring rain, no sound of the man who made him incapable of loving someone else behind his door. He stands up on unsteady legs and heads back to lie on his couch, but he stops midway when he hears a thud on his door.

_“…Lavi..”_

Lavi’s heart stops in his chest. All this time, Kanda never left?

 _“…if you could hear me...please.”_ The desperation and dejection in his voice hit him with guilt. The words that followed almost broke him.    

 

 

_“...please let me in…”_

 

 

For the first time after long years of living in shame, Lavi listens to his heart.

The door opens to Kanda sitting on the floor, opposite the spot where he used to be seconds ago. His expression is worn-out and unbelieving when he turns to the opened door where Lavi is hovering above him. From the lights of the hallway, the shadows and outlines of Lavi’s pale gaunt face becomes much pronounced. His hair is a mess and is duller than he remembers. Lavi knows Kanda’s keeping his mouth shut about his pathetic appearance. He’s seen himself in the mirror plenty of times, the reason why its shards are dangerously scattered on the floor. But Kanda doesn’t look any better. When he stands up from the floor, Lavi can see the dark bags under his eyes. The usual piercing attribute of his steel blue eyes were gone and replaced with a pool of regret and despondency.

Their eyes only move away from each other’s faces when a flash of lightning illuminates Lavi’s room. He lets him inside, albeit hesitantly. He regrets flicking the light switch on because the state of his apartment tells too much about what happened to him the past month. If Lavi hadn’t known Kanda or spent months observing him, he wouldn’t have noticed the shock that crosses his face. He sees him swallow, trying not to comment on the countless vices on the floor, so he flicks the switch off and turns on a nearby lamp instead. Kanda stands still in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do.

“Uhm..sorry for the mess.” He motions for him to join him on the couch which was thankfully free from trash. Kanda sits beside him, leaving a considerable space between them that wouldn’t be there months ago.

Minutes tick by. The silence becomes stifling despite the rain heavily pouring outside. Lavi looks to the left to observe Kanda under the dim light, but the other man looks straight ahead, unable to meet his eye. He stiffens when Kanda speaks first.

 

 

_“Why?”_

And with just one word, Lavi crumbles.

All the guilt and emotions and memories of both good and bad flood his mind, and he can’t breathe. Lavi chokes on a sob as he buries his face on his hands, hiding himself from the man he can’t stop loving. He can’t control the trembling of his body and the tears threatening to spill out. He feels weak, pathetic, and terribly unreasonable because he was the one who hurt Kanda. And he doesn’t deserve the sympathy and comfort of the warm hands holding his wrists, pulling his hands away from his tear-stained blotchy face then tracing the wet tracks on his skin. He almost breaks down again when Kanda’s fingers trace the different corners of his face and cupping his cheeks because he misses him so much. He misses his touch. He misses his warmth. He misses being held and feeling important and loved.

He opens his eye to see Kanda kneeling on the floor in front of him. Their faces were so close. Lavi could smell the familiar scent of green tea and petrichor despite the lingering smell of nicotine and alcohol. He wonders why Kanda isn’t acting so coldly to him for what he has done, but his heart takes it a sign that maybe, just maybe, Kanda’s giving him another chance. Kanda gently caresses the back of his head and pulls him to rest his head on his shoulder.

Kanda’s shoulder is getting wet, but neither of them think about it. Kanda makes Lavi feel so protected, so secured. Lavi wraps his arms around Kanda’s warm body and brings himself closer to him.

“I-I’m so sorry, Yuu,” he sobs. Kanda hushes him softly and moves his hand down to rub his back to comfort him. The bottled-up thoughts and emotions come rushing out of his mouth, confessing his mistakes and the self-hatred he has felt ever since. He talks about what happened to him before he met Kanda, he talks about how he got his job and how desperate he was for money, he talks about why he had to taint himself with his client or his debts would multiply, he talks about his depression after their relationship ended and how the memories of his love came to haunt him. It all comes rushing out and by the time he’s finished, his lips feel dry and his eye drier.

Kanda hasn’t said a thing.

But maybe it’s better that way.

When Lavi stops crying, Kanda gets up from his position to sit beside him. Their shoulders are touching and their hands are linked together, heat radiating from their bodies and protecting them from the cold hands of loss.

It’s quiet again. But it isn’t the loud silence that strangles them until they’re breathless.

Kanda’s still looks beautiful despite the darkness under his eyes and the weariness on his face. His hand tightens his grip on Lavi’s and his heart skips a beat. He wants to restart. He’s willing to know Lavi all over again and he’s hopeful that they can be okay.

Kanda takes a deep breath. _Everything’s going to be okay._

He meets Lavi’s eye, and softly he whispers.

 

 

 

 

“I don’t want to let you go.”  

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and reviews are always appreciated!


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